Yankees Baffled Rubbing Money On Mark Teixeira Not Healing His Hamstring

Written by Andy | 20 October 2010

Hoping to get back on the field for Game 5 of the ALCS, as well as the remainder of the playoffs, Yankees Gold Glove All-Star first baseman Mark Teixeira has been getting treated with constant 'money massages', but has shown minimal progress so far, baffling the team's medical staff.

"I don't get it," said Yankees athletic trainer Gene Monahan, completely dumbfounded. "We've been rubbing money on him for about twelve hours now, but he's not getting any better. Money is about the only therapeutic modality we use around here. If that doesn't work, I'm not sure what we'll do."

Doctors and athletic trainers have tried everything from massaging Teixeira with $100 bills to simply throwing wads of cash in his direction, but to no avail.

"We even tried a German method and had Tex soak in a tub filled Euros since they have a higher value than the American dollar, but that too was unsuccessful."

Team doctors may be forced to utilize a somewhat risky procedure they had hoped to avoid.

"We may be able to help him by making a small incision and directly stapling a bundle of money to the muscle itself. There is a risk of infection, but I can honestly say I've never heard of this procedure not working."

A-Rod, unaware of the treatment Teixeira was receiving, said it would be 'pretty sweet' if he could be massaged with money.